It's not common for me to write personal stuff up on here, I tend to prefer to keep it to my work but in this case I guess it's related in a strong way.
Earlier this year due to a few various incidences and choices I suddenly found myself extremely insecure and lacking the confidence I desperately needed. This lead to me becoming very secretive, nervous and just down right annoying! Trust me, I know... I had to live with me.
I don't blame anyone else, it was my choice to become insecure but I let it happen and it's been killing me all year long. It's now arrived in October and I'm suddenly getting the harsh reality that I've let silly things affect me so badly I've let myself down.
I have not been myself, even though I've been working hard and doing my best there's always part of my mind stuck on the insecurities and you know what the worst part is? I let myself focus so much on the negatives that the positives got lost in the crowd.
I am a happy person, I'm a total dork and ridiculously goofy and I do not dwell on bad things but when you have these insecurities and you hide them, they just grow in to this monster in the back of your mind and it won't leave you alone.
Constantly feeling like you're a bad person, you're hurting people, you're not good enough, you're self absorbed, you ruin everything... Taking the blame for everything.
And I can't do it anymore.
It's only now after a couple of months of failing at hitting deadlines, losing my muse and just feeling miserable in general that I realise that it's that little monster in the back of my mind that's starting to take over and it's leaving me feeling terrible!
It's amazing how things that are so unrelated to work can actually affect your work or your ability to work in the first place. Or just affect you in general.
It's just a case of letting go and making a fresh start. I am not a bad person and deep down I know I am not to blame for everything!
I am talented and every time I create something I am extremely grateful that I have the ability to work so well with my hands. I had so many plans for this year and I've let myself down, I do not want to continue on that path. That is a nasty path full of holes and ditches.
I also don't want to become one of those people that allows other people to mess with their heads or change them! I've never let people get to me before and yet this year it keeps happening over and over and these are people I don't even know or care about. That's the worst part.
So it's a fresh start with a better outlook on things, October is one of my favourite months so it's as good a time as ever to get this going.
So no more dwelling on insecurities and people, instead focussing on the work and the beauty of things is where it's at!
So on a lighter note! I currently have two projects on the go that I can't actually talk about yet. They're more on the craft side of my creativity and are currently hush hush. Which is really annoying because they're so different and fun that I want to talk loads about how they're coming together!
I do however have a project for this week. (This is me trying to get my muse back)
As it's quite obvious from some of my work and previous posts, I like dinosaurs. I've always had a huge fascination for prehistoric life, I was the little girl going around with a plastic T-Rex when the other girls had dolls. I lost that little dude, it broke my heart... But anyway!
All year I've had this plan to make a little posable plush of one of my raptor characters but I've always gotten daunted by the project itself as it's more intense than anything I've made before or other things get in the way. This week I need to get my muse back and to do that I need to work on something that will be completely for me.
Jurassic world is also out next Monday here in the UK (my OH has said we're getting it on the day, excited doesn't cover it!) so I thought this would be the perfect week to make her.
After months of saying I would and having the materials sitting in a drawer! She's finally gonna come to life!
I have lots of lineart that needs painting, these are featured in my last post including the badger in a jumper ;)
These are nice and simple so I can't complain or come up with an excuse of why I can't do them! And I still have my finches... My poor annoying finches have been put to one side as I just can't decide what to do with them although the possibility of creating badges from them is now tempting so keep an eye out there!
And also, dare I say it... Christmas designs!
I am seriously behind on these and I'm starting to feel the burn! It's like a hot glowing Rudolph nose at the back of my neck. The worst thing about Christmas designs...? Coming up with them! It's not as easy as you may think!
Also on the subject of Christmas I am taking pet portrait commissions now so if you're interested please leave a comment and I'll get in touch!
Prices start at £25.
Hope you have a great week! I hope to be much more active with much more interesting posts soon!