In Memory

6 years ago on Monday I lost someone. The day I lost them was the day I lost a piece of myself and I still believe that I haven't truly gotten over the loss.

The lady I lost was my nan. 

She was possibly the most incredible woman I have ever known. She wasn't your stereotypical nan/gran in childrens books. Instead she was a real tough nut who loved to get her hands dirty and go against society just because she could. One of her proudest moments being that she played the boys sports as a kid even though she was told not to the little tomboy!

She was such an inspiration and I am so lucky to have spent most of my life with her, she really was a second mother to me and taught me so much. Without her I would not be the person I am today.

She was a wonderful woman who lit up the world when you were around her, you couldn't spend five minutes with her without experiencing tear inducing laughter. 

She didn't care what other people thought, she believed we are all equal and there's no need to feel better or worse than another person. She didn't believe anybody had the right to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, if they tried then they weren't worth knowing.

Going through my teens she tried to drill in to me that anybody who is rude or hurtful to me isn't worth knowing.

She taught me to be a good person, to never let the negative block out the positive.

She taught me to dance in shops.

She was a true inspiration and the world would be a much brighter place if more people had the attitude she had. She never let the negative get to her, even when her lungs failed and her legs wobbled.

No matter what she smiled and laughed through everything.

I hate that the world grew darker after she left. 

I miss her laughter.

I can't put in to words how much I miss her. 

When she died a small part of me died with her. I put up walls and forgot myself. I became a creature that cared for other people. I was alive to make smiles, to help people, to not let others end up where I'd gone. 

I'm still breaking down those walls.

I learned so much from her and wouldn't be the woman I am today without her. I may have an "odd" outlook on life to some people. I may be overly passionate with my emotions. I may not be "easy" to understand  but I am proud to be who I am. 

I am proud to be her Granddaughter.

I just wish she could see me now, see how far I've come. I wish for one single moment she could see, I could see her smile... It hurts to know she never got to see me making a career of my art, to never meet the man I love, to never see that I got through the dark. To see that I light up parts of the world like she once did.

I wish she could give me a slap to remind me who I really am.

I miss her so bad. More than I ever realised.

I only realised that over the past week.

But I am grateful for everything I had and have, everything I still have to come. I am not dwelling on the past, I am remembering a remarkable woman who was my idol. 

I had to write this to get it out for the first time since 2009. 

And oh boy, she was a bloody fantastic person. I will always love and miss her. 

And to explain the image, she loved red geraniums :)