Something happened that lead to me getting a glass of cold reality to the face and it scared me, I felt vulnerable and I felt as though things were moving fast and suddenly I'd lost my control over everything.
My work is something that has rarely been on show, I've been hidden in the background and of course, wanting to actually take this to a new level means getting people to see my work. This is extremely new to me and I suddenly have a load of respect to anybody who has been through this.
It's not only showing art work but the words, I'm not used to people hearing my words!
Nobody told me it was going to be this hard, I knew it would be hard, I knew all of this yet at the same time I never really imagined how I would feel about this emotionally.
It makes my blood run cold and my body tremble.
So I will admit that fear hit me hard and I ran and hid, sure that sounds like a terrible thing to do, the cowards way, running away from things is never the answer, blah, blah, blah.
The amount of times I've heard that kind of lecture is tiring.
I may have run away, I may have hid like an embarrassed cat and stared wide eyed out at the world that had suddenly started spinning out of control leaving me with no way of holding on or having any control over my own life but the thing is, I came back.
I haven't given up.
Sure something may happen again and I may once more run and hide but I will keep coming back.
I have respect for anybody who has put themselves out there, put a piece of their soul out there for people to see and judge. I have so much respect for that! I also know from seeing these people that you do get past this stage and you do move on.
I want to work through this part and I want to have that same respect for myself.
Fear is painful to me... I wish it wasn't so literal but in reality it is. This step is huge and is going to take a lot more work than I've already put in but I know this is possible.
Sure I want something to come out of this, I'm not a fool! Becoming known and actually finding a way through this creative jungle would be fantastic, getting a job doing something I love even better, being my own boss with flexi hours, woohoo!
But even if nothing else comes from this I am glad that I have come this far, I've taken that first step and I have taken a chance.
This entry has nothing to do with what I've created but it's an insight in to the scared creative mind of an artist trying to take those first steps to calling herself a professional rather than a hobbyist.
|Pair of otters, markers on cartridge paper 6" x 4"|
Thanks J xx