For the short few weeks of 2014 I have been ill, anxious and working so hard on building up a portfolio.
I made a decision at the end of 2013 that this year I would really give that extra push to get somewhere with my artwork. I've been away from my old routine and things have changed due to busy lives clashing. The routine I had for most of the past year has slowed down which of course is a change and then my sudden pressure to produce work but to produce good work that could be sold or used has just pushed me over the edge.
I find myself judging anything I draw, anything I create. Any idea I come up with that I would have jumped in to is now full of doubt and fear. The change I thought would bring joy is bringing a whole new interesting emotion that's a mixture of stress, self loathing and excitement.
I hate my issues with change. It just causes me to focus hard on things that are different even if it's a good different.
But the pressure to work is killing me. Especially when anything I create is never good for the most important judge... myself.
I guess the other problem is that I haven't planned my time well. Instead of making time for work I am extremely unorganised and instead of having a nice few hours during the day to work I spend most of the night working and I'm tired.
I'm exhausted and I can't explain it. Physically I'm fine but mentally I can't concentrate... scribbles are taking over in my sketchbooks instead of illustrations.
I don't really understand it. I guess this is just the change. A change I wasn't fully expecting.
I don't really know how to deal with this alone.